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mazecraft13I finally got up from my nap and my vision was distorted around the periphery of my vision for a while. It wasn't blurry, exactly. Imagine looking through a bullet hole in a glass window, but the glass didn't crackle or frost, remaining clear. Now when you look through the hole you are aware of the glass and can see through it, and everything looks normal through the hole obviously. Anyway the distortion went away after a little bit. I think my blood pressure is kinda high again.
So, remember when I was talking about distortions a while back. I encountered them again in another online space and honestly it not only made me sad, but frustrated and a bit angry. Its kind of complicated to explain in any really nuanced way, but it came down to a handful of interactions in a discord for fans of a podcast about a beloved book series. One of the things that comes up in social media spaces around this series is a misogynistic hot take on one of the characters that ascends to a position of power. Basically a lot of men tend to berate this character because of some of her (very well written) character flaws, deriding and minimizing her accomplishments along the way. Yet, they will defend to the death male characters that are infinitely worse in every way possible. If you speak with these guys long enough and tease out their point of view, you will eventually arrive at the inescapable conclusion that they just hate that this female character attained such a powerful place in the world without any help from, and maybe even in spite of, a man.
All that being said a fluid conversation came up about this character and (thinking in my current space we were all of a common mind) I mentioned that post book 5 (its a long series) she was my favorite character but that admittedly she had done some awful things before that. One of the women in the discord quote replied my comment "I would like to hear a list of some of these 'Awful Things' you are speaking of." I immediately understood that she was trying to suss out if I am one of those misogynists I described earlier and stated unequivocally that I do not subscribe to that shitty way of looking at her character, that she is one of my favorites in the series, and further that I was being really hyperbolic and was alluding to the one thing pretty much everybody in the fandom agrees was a shit thing to do.
She thanked me for clarifying and of course I completely understood where she was coming from and I appreciated her asking me before just attacking me outright as might have happened. But apparently she was already activated and had been prepared to unleash holy hell and couldn't let it go. I'm reminded of the time the Christian crusaders on their way to the Holy Land attacked the Also Christian Constantinople because they were so amped up to commit violence. Same mechanism but on a much tinier scale. She wrote back "But maybe next time don't say a female character is awful for 5 whole ass books!"
Listen. I know this sounds petty as hell. Just bear with me for a minute because this is no longer about our fandom. It is about unprocessed shadow material and projection. Basically she was ready to attack, and when I was like "naw its cool crusader, pass on through and have fun killing the infidels," her blood was already hot and she was like "fuck it you are a man and I am going to punch you in the face."
Modern social justice politics for men is a lot harder if you are, or desire to be an ally. You get punched in the face a lot, and everyone is going to tell you different things about what you should and shouldn't do. If you punch back, or defend yourself, well you should have just accepted that men have been suppressing women for years and if you aren't the one that has done it, you should be willing to take the punishment for it. Swallow your pride and let her have the win, in other words, cause she needed it more than your right to self-defense. Men are toxic as fuck and should be sensitive and understanding, but if you get punched in the face, take it like a man- stoically, and don't forget to apologize for patriarchy on your way out.
Well, I am sorry but I am not going to be punched in the face for all the shitty things men have said about your favorite female character when she is also my favorite character and would have punched those men in the face too.
I even went back to my original comment and was like, did I say that? Nope.
So I responded back "Well, I actually didn't say that but I am sorry if that is how it came across. Egwene is actually one of my favorite characters, but her arc doesn't really soar until after book 5. Which is why I said post book 5. I did say she did awful things when I really meant just the one thing though so I will be more clear in the future."
I thought that was just enough aikido to defend myself without necessarily being too aggressive back.
She just responded "thx" as if I wasn't being even the slightest bit snarky and that was the end of it. But seriously chica? Go to therapy ffs.
Everyone has such a tight grip on all of their perceptions, they crush and bend out of shape what they look upon, and in the end distort. Which makes me wonder about my own reality filter since I woke up from the nap earlier with literal visual distortion...
Speaking of therapy, I started my practicum this last week and saw my first client!!!! It feels so weird being on the other side of this dynamic. I have practiced enough with other counseling students and in practice dyads with acquaintances and the like. But to sit with a person that is actually seeking therapy for their own better good, and the sense of expectation and uncertainty is there and I just have to hold it for them. It is a strange sensation.
The practicum (internship, training) so far has been super supportive and scaffolding, but also a little like being tossed into the deep end of the pool to learn how to swim. They are right there to help, but its still a little terrifying scrambling to learn what I need to know on the fly. I know they won't let me drown, but my body fright is telling me something else. Everything in my life is a dichotomy right now, and learning to navigate the tension of the opposites.
