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mazecraft13I got my first covid shot today! As of right now it has been about ten hours and my arm feels like I got hit with a hammer, but not very hard; like a five year old with a ball hammer hit me while flailing wildly. So, normal reaction. I was going to write that I was also feeling a little tingly and third person too, but I think I was feeling that way yesterday before I got the shot so, I can't really blame it on the vaccine.
Whether or not is was the vaccine, I have been feeling clouded and a bit out of it all day. The reason why I can't be sure if it is a reaction to the vaccine is that I often feel out of sorts. My sleep schedule is still WackAsFuck(tm) and my diet is pretty awful too. I can't remember when the last time I did yoga regularly, and I have reached the coffee and cigarettes level of spiritual development. So, yeah if anything I'm feeling isn't just hyper alertness and an actual reaction, it is hard to say. But so far even those symptoms are pretty mild.
In the information sheet they gave me to read along with the consent form, one of the averse reactions that may occur within 15 minutes of receiving the vaccine is "a sense of impending doom." Bwahahaha! Like we would know the difference in 2021? Dude I have been feeling that for 20 years or more so..? I mean, what if I got the sudden sense that everything was gonna be alright? Should I be alarmed?
I think I am also feeling a little turned around by life. I have to start sending out feelers for a practicum site for school and no, I still haven't done it yet. One of my instructors that was very complimentary of my counseling skills gave me a list of possible sites to try though. But I haven't done it and I am not sure why really. It is a chore, sure, but I think I also keep hoping to wake up feeling like the fire of purpose and determination will ignite in my chest and drive me to action. To be sure, if it did I know that the energy would be powerful and connect with the universe to make the stars align in my favor. Whenever I have done anything with gusto and willpower, it has come to fruition with synchronicity and fortuity. But the truth is it is a slog and so far I haven't been able to drudge up the energy to climb the crumbling rock wall that the whole process feels like. Instead the stress of not doing it is just building like the sound of static crawling up my spine to live in my shoulders and neck.
Idiot. Oh fear not reader, I will do the thing and it will be fine. I am just explaining the internal processes as best as I can the way my folly manifests itself.
In other news, I talked to my brother out in Kentucky today. He is due for a surgery to attempt to bypass a rather difficult case of diverticulitis this coming week. He is usually the strong, intelligent, and brave (if not always wise) one of us but to hear him be even remotely vulnerable in expressing some of his fears about the operation was so unusual that I nearly broke down in tears for him. He said he wished he wasn't so far away because it would be nice to have family around at a time like this and my heart broke a little. From anyone else, it would have been a simple and understandable sentiment. But coming from him it may as well have been a plea for help. My mom did offer to fly out there to be with him, but he talked her out of it because it is too difficult a trip for her at her age and she has health problems enough on her own.
It was weird talking to him without the specter of our differences in political opinion hanging so dangerously over the conversation as is usually the case. He is a right-wing conservative and shares many of the beliefs and difficult opinions that come with that. And over the past few years as we have talked less and less, the divide between us has become palpable. Anyway, there is just so much I could write about that but it just feels like kicking someone while they are down. Ultimately we had a nice conversation and I hope knowing that my heart is with him right now will give him a little comfort.
Whether or not is was the vaccine, I have been feeling clouded and a bit out of it all day. The reason why I can't be sure if it is a reaction to the vaccine is that I often feel out of sorts. My sleep schedule is still WackAsFuck(tm) and my diet is pretty awful too. I can't remember when the last time I did yoga regularly, and I have reached the coffee and cigarettes level of spiritual development. So, yeah if anything I'm feeling isn't just hyper alertness and an actual reaction, it is hard to say. But so far even those symptoms are pretty mild.
In the information sheet they gave me to read along with the consent form, one of the averse reactions that may occur within 15 minutes of receiving the vaccine is "a sense of impending doom." Bwahahaha! Like we would know the difference in 2021? Dude I have been feeling that for 20 years or more so..? I mean, what if I got the sudden sense that everything was gonna be alright? Should I be alarmed?
I think I am also feeling a little turned around by life. I have to start sending out feelers for a practicum site for school and no, I still haven't done it yet. One of my instructors that was very complimentary of my counseling skills gave me a list of possible sites to try though. But I haven't done it and I am not sure why really. It is a chore, sure, but I think I also keep hoping to wake up feeling like the fire of purpose and determination will ignite in my chest and drive me to action. To be sure, if it did I know that the energy would be powerful and connect with the universe to make the stars align in my favor. Whenever I have done anything with gusto and willpower, it has come to fruition with synchronicity and fortuity. But the truth is it is a slog and so far I haven't been able to drudge up the energy to climb the crumbling rock wall that the whole process feels like. Instead the stress of not doing it is just building like the sound of static crawling up my spine to live in my shoulders and neck.
Idiot. Oh fear not reader, I will do the thing and it will be fine. I am just explaining the internal processes as best as I can the way my folly manifests itself.
In other news, I talked to my brother out in Kentucky today. He is due for a surgery to attempt to bypass a rather difficult case of diverticulitis this coming week. He is usually the strong, intelligent, and brave (if not always wise) one of us but to hear him be even remotely vulnerable in expressing some of his fears about the operation was so unusual that I nearly broke down in tears for him. He said he wished he wasn't so far away because it would be nice to have family around at a time like this and my heart broke a little. From anyone else, it would have been a simple and understandable sentiment. But coming from him it may as well have been a plea for help. My mom did offer to fly out there to be with him, but he talked her out of it because it is too difficult a trip for her at her age and she has health problems enough on her own.
It was weird talking to him without the specter of our differences in political opinion hanging so dangerously over the conversation as is usually the case. He is a right-wing conservative and shares many of the beliefs and difficult opinions that come with that. And over the past few years as we have talked less and less, the divide between us has become palpable. Anyway, there is just so much I could write about that but it just feels like kicking someone while they are down. Ultimately we had a nice conversation and I hope knowing that my heart is with him right now will give him a little comfort.
